{"id":2581,"date":"2020-02-17T19:24:52","date_gmt":"2020-02-18T03:24:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/?p=2581"},"modified":"2020-02-18T14:15:40","modified_gmt":"2020-02-18T22:15:40","slug":"how-i-learned-to-stop-achieving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jaeminyi.com\/how-i-learned-to-stop-achieving\/","title":{"rendered":"How I Learned to Stop Achieving (and Love Being)"},"content":{"rendered":"

In 2018, I recorded 22 podcasts, wrote 8 blog posts, published 4 videos, and landed the biggest business project of my life (pulling off a year\u2019s worth of work in just a few months). It was one of my most productive years ever.<\/p>\n

In 2019, I did absolutely none of those things.<\/p>\n

And it was one of the most peaceful, fulfilling years of my life.<\/p>\n

Our culture would have you believe that the key to happiness is more, more, more. More creative output, more self-development, more introspection, more relationships, more experiences\u2026<\/p>\n

But what if the answer is actually in the opposite direction? In subtraction, rather than addition.<\/p>\n

What if the constant, relentless striving for happiness is actually causing most of our misery in the first place?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve spent most of my life being that relentless striver. If you\u2019re into the Enneagram, apparently I\u2019m an \u201cAchiever\u201d. And boy, was I ever.<\/p>\n

It felt like I spent every minute of my life on an endless quest of achieving. It started with creativity – pushing myself to create short films and make it as a filmmaker. Then I moved on to devouring self-development books, trying to fix every single thing that was \u201cwrong\u201d with me. And then eventually, the spiritual path – wanting to be fully awakened and healed by the time I turned 30. (Hint: it didn\u2019t happen)<\/p>\n

The harder I pushed myself, the more it felt like I wasn\u2019t doing enough. No matter how much I accomplished, it always felt like there was even more I had yet to achieve.<\/p>\n

This dark, heavy pressure consumed my entire adult life. Two decades of constantly feeling like I needed to do more, more, more. <\/p>\n

Until this past year, when it all finally changed.<\/p>\n

So, what happened?<\/p>\n

Long story short: last December, I was at the peak of my achieving madness. Was waking up every day at the crack of dawn to meditate, workout, journal, juggle multiple projects, and crank out more posts\/podcasts\/videos than I ever have before. No time to stop or think. Just go, go, go!<\/p>\n

Then I put everything on pause and flew to India for a non-dual retreat<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d been relentlessly exploring non-duality for the past 8 years (I wrote more about it here<\/a>) and had been on many retreats in that period. But this time was different.<\/p>\n

I walked out of this retreat knowing one thing with absolute clarity: that I was whole and complete. Exactly as I am. That I lacked nothing. And nothing else I attained or \u201cgot\u201d would fulfill me. How could it? I was already whole. And that this has always been true – for every one of us – but all too easily overlooked. <\/p>\n

(And to be clear, this wasn\u2019t just me staring into a mirror and telling myself, \u201cI\u2019m whole and complete!\u201d It required a crap ton of meditative inquiry, which ultimately resulted in a shift in identity. In realizing that you\u2019re the space in which all conscious experience is coming and going. It sounds complicated because it\u2019s hard to describe with words, but in actuality, it\u2019s incredibly simple. So simple, the mind can\u2019t grasp it.)<\/p>\n

I came to know this truth not as some heady intellectual understanding, but as a lived, experiential one. It felt as obvious to me as knowing I\u2019m breathing.<\/p>\n

From this perspective and place of peace, suddenly my manic frenzy of activity seemed\u2026silly.<\/p>\n

Why was I running a million miles a minute, pushing myself to my absolute limits (in a body that\u2019s already struggling with chronic health issues<\/a>), just to check off another todo item or squeeze out another podcast? Why??<\/p>\n

When I asked myself the question, the answer seemed obvious.<\/p>\n

50% of that effort was because I loved doing this stuff. Because it lit me up and brought me joy to create, grow, and make things happen.<\/p>\n

But the other 50%? <\/p>\n

That was all ego, baby. <\/p>\n

It was from the part of me that felt like it wasn\u2019t enough as it was. That feared it was incomplete. Deficient. Unworthy.<\/p>\n

And thus, needed to allay those fears by achieving and accomplishing. By becoming someone different or getting somewhere else. By becoming successful and \u201cspecial\u201d to prove to the world, and myself, that I WAS worthy after all.<\/p>\n

This energy had been steering the ship of my life far more than I wanted to admit (and when I was younger, far more than 50%). <\/p>\n

But from the clarity of my newfound perspective\u2026it suddenly made 0% sense.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019m already whole and complete, then what would future success and recognition actually fulfill? What would more \u201chustling\u201d and \u201ccrushing it\u201d really do for me? How would it ACTUALLY change my moment-to-moment felt experience, beyond the fleeting dopamine hit and shiny new thought stories I\u2019d get to tell myself?<\/p>\n

And just like that – all that efforting and forcing and pushing and stressing seemed ridiculous.<\/p>\n

So I stopped.<\/p>\n

For the first genuine time in my life, I dropped the whole achiever mentality. And didn\u2019t feel an ounce of guilt. Good riddance.<\/p>\n

The next year of my life was the most peaceful and stress-free since my childhood.<\/strong><\/p>\n

From the outside, it looked similar to my life before. Work. Play. Joy. Pain. Focusing on my health. Lots of long walks. <\/p>\n

But from the inside, it was entirely different. That dark, heavy pressure had finally been released. There was nowhere I needed to get to anymore. <\/p>\n

Nothing I needed<\/strong> to do. Nobody I needed<\/strong> to become.<\/p>\n

I could finally just\u2026be.<\/p>\n

Ahh.<\/p>\n

And with that, my lifelong journey of striving has finally come to an end.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m no longer striving to find completion through achievement. Or through creativity. Or spirituality. Or any other part of my life.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m done striving. Where would I try to get to? I\u2019m already here. <\/p>\n

Always have been. Always will be.<\/p>\n

But does that mean I\u2019m just gonna turn into a blob of nothingness hanging out in some desolate cave somewhere? Hell no!<\/p>\n

I still love to create. But I\u2019m done forcing myself to create because I feel like \u201cI have to\u201d. Or because it\u2019ll get me something in the future. From now on, I\u2019ll create if it feels enjoyable to do so in the moment. And if not, I won\u2019t. As simple as that. <\/p>\n

And I\u2019ll always keep pursuing new endeavors (like learning Spanish right now in Mexico) and exploring new ways to grow (like practicing Qigong or upgrading my communication skills). I\u2019ve always loved learning and evolving and that\u2019s not going to stop anytime soon.<\/p>\n

But in the past, my pursuits always had an air of heaviness to them. There was always a part of me that hoped my next skill or endeavor would finally \u201ccomplete\u201d me. Would fill that hole I felt within. <\/p>\n

Now, everything feels so much lighter. Without the burden of completion weighing everything down, it\u2019s now all just play<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The way it was when I picked up my Dad\u2019s video camera for the first time.<\/p>\n

Or put together a Lego rocket ship from scratch.<\/p>\n

Or invented a game that involved directing ant traffic with blades of grass.<\/p>\n

Truth is, we already had this figured out a long time ago.<\/p>\n

As a kid, did I need to achieve and accomplish to feel complete? Did I need to constantly strive for happiness to be happy? Did I need to come up with a grand life purpose to feel fulfilled?<\/p>\n

Or was completion, happiness, and fulfillment just what was?<\/p>\n

Did \u201cincompletion\u201d even exist until that concept was taught to us? Until we were convinced that \u201ccompletion\u201d was out there and we needed to get it – through money, fame, success, or love? <\/p>\n

What if what you\u2019ve been looking for this entire time isn\u2019t the answer to the search, but is in dropping the search itself?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t speak for anyone else, but that\u2019s what I\u2019ve really been looking for all along. <\/p>\n

It was never in getting the right achievements or accomplishments. It was never in attaining a certain level of completion or worthiness.<\/p>\n

It was in realizing that the whole search was a lie.<\/p>\n

That we were never incomplete or unworthy in the first place. So every step we took to find that was a step in the wrong direction.<\/p>\n

Like desperately searching for home without realizing you\u2019ve been standing in your own living room the entire time.<\/p>\n

Turns out, we\u2019ve always been home. <\/p>\n

We just had to stop looking to realize we\u2019d never left.<\/p>\n

.    .    .<\/font><\/center><\/p>\n

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood<\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 2018, I recorded 22 podcasts, wrote 8 blog posts, published 4 videos, and landed the biggest business project of my life (pulling off a year\u2019s worth of work in just a few months). It was one of my most productive years ever.<\/p>\n

In 2019, I did absolutely none of those things.<\/p>\n

And it was one of the most peaceful, fulfilling years of my life.<\/p>\n

Our culture would have you believe that the key to happiness is more, more, more. More creative output, more self-development, more introspection, more relationships, more experiences\u2026<\/p>\n

But what if the answer is actually in the opposite direction? In subtraction, rather than addition.<\/p>\n

What if the constant, relentless striving for happiness is actually causing most of our misery in the first place?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":""},"categories":[31,28],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jaeminyi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/how-i-learned-to-stop-achieving-and-love-being-jaemin-yi.jpg?fit=1400%2C788&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p79mZF-FD","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2581"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2581"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2581\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2587,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2581\/revisions\/2587"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2582"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2581"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2581"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2581"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}