Not only does it leave me feeling like a zombie half the time, too exhausted to function as a human – but in a cruel M. Night Shyamalan twist – it ALSO causes nightly insomnia!<\/p>\n
Definitely not fun.<\/p>\n
But despite all that, I actually find myself grateful for everything it\u2019s brought into my life. And no, I\u2019m not saying that to force some \u201csilver lining\u201d bullshit.<\/p>\n
I actually mean it.<\/p>\n
Struggling with chronic health issues has undoubtedly made me a happier, wiser, more empathetic, aware, and connected human being. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s not a path I would\u2019ve ever chosen for myself – but like any epic hero\u2019s quest, it\u2019s trials and tribulations have completely shaped me into who I am today.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been my own personal Everest. Or journey into Mordor.<\/p>\n
And without further ado, here\u2019s what I\u2019ve brought back from the mountain\u2026<\/p>\n
Creativity Within Constraints<\/h2>\nCreativity doesn\u2019t just love constraints;
it thrives under them.
\n\t– David Burkus <\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As a creative, the scariest thing to me is a blank canvas. <\/p>\n
If someone just told me to \u201ccreate\u201d without any further instructions\u2026I wouldn\u2019t know what to do. Where to begin.<\/p>\n
But as soon as you give me constraints – \u201ddefine beauty using only the items in your trash can\u201d<\/em> – then my creative mind is suddenly off and running!<\/p>\nLife works similarly.<\/p>\n
Constraints in life – such as a debilitating illness or health issue – actually open you up to MORE possibilities. Not less.<\/p>\n
They force you to explore the path less travelled. To fully dive into experiences you never would\u2019ve chosen for yourself. To find out who you are when pushed outside your neat little box.<\/p>\n
Yes, your shitty health issue isn\u2019t allowing you to live like \u201ceveryone else\u201d.<\/p>\n
But that\u2019s a gift, not a curse.<\/p>\n
So treat your life like art (because it is).<\/p>\n
Embrace constraint. And let it open you up to a whole new world of possibility.<\/p>\n
Suffering is in the Stories<\/h2>\n
A funny thing happens when you spend day after day feeling like shit (and night after night unable to sleep).<\/p>\n
It becomes a master class on suffering.2Can you imagine the Masterclass ad<\/a>for that course?? “I’m Jaemin Yi. And this…is my Masterclass.” Bahaha<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nYou get to spend countless hours in concentrated shittiness. And like anything you spend a lot of time with, you become quite attuned to it. I\u2019ve basically put in my 10,000 hours<\/a> into getting to know my bodily suffering.<\/p>\nAnd in that time, I discovered something fascinating: 95% of the suffering existed only in the STORIES I told myself.<\/p>\n
Hell begins and ends in the mind. In the stories I\u2019m telling myself about the past (how I\u2019ve been sick for soooo long and how I\u2019ve missed out on soooo many awesome things<\/em>). Or the thoughts I\u2019m spinning about the future (how I\u2019ll never figure this out and how the rest of my life is gonna suck as a result<\/em>).<\/p>\nBut when I\u2019m able to drop the stories\u2026there\u2019s a profound relief.<\/p>\n
This two ton weight of imagined struggle and hopelessness lifts off, and in it\u2019s place is just the simplicity of this moment. <\/p>\n
Breathing. Sunlight. The clacking of the keyboard. Feelings of lethargy.<\/p>\n
Without the stories, there\u2019s just THIS moment to moment experience – what\u2019s ACTUALLY happening in reality.<\/p>\n
Without the stories, there\u2019s no years of struggle or endless FOMO.<\/p>\n
Without the stories\u2026there\u2019s no problem.<\/p>\n
And I found that this doesn\u2019t just apply when I\u2019m sick. This holds true for ALL of life.<\/p>\n
Anytime you\u2019re suffering. Anytime you\u2019re in deep pain. Check yourself and see where you are.<\/p>\n
Are you here, in reality? Or are you off in mind stories and thought land?<\/p>\n
Learning the distinction between the two – and constantly spending more and more time in the former – has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.<\/p>\n
Helped Me Connect More (and More Deeply)<\/h2>\n
When I\u2019m feeling like shit and unable to hang out or stay up late dancing, it\u2019s easy to make-up stories about how my health issues are keeping me from connecting with others.<\/p>\n
But the truth is, it\u2019s actually helped me connect with MORE people. And more directly and authentically.<\/p>\n
First off, the more I\u2019ve opened up about my health issues, the more others have opened up to me about their own. And man, there\u2019s SO many of us out there!<\/p>\n
Nearly EVERYONE I know is going through something heavy. But you wouldn\u2019t know because we\u2019re all hiding it. Thinking we\u2019re the only ones struggling.<\/p>\n
Nope. Not true. At all.<\/p>\n
![\"dozens_of_us_arrested_development\"](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/jaeminyi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/dozens_of_us_arrested_development.gif?resize=385%2C215&ssl=1\")
<\/p>\n
Secondly, because of the hell I\u2019ve gone through, I can truly empathize when someone tells me about the hell they\u2019re going through. <\/p>\n
I don\u2019t just nod my head and feel sorry for them, as I might\u2019ve in the past. Nowadays, I feel deep within me what that actually feels like – because I\u2019ve touched a version of that pain myself.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s allowed me to connect with people in a deeper, more visceral way.<\/p>\n
Not connecting through the concepts in my head. Not by thinking about their experience. But by DIRECTLY plugging in and feeling it myself.<\/p>\n
Interestingly, the more pain I\u2019ve experienced, the more deeply connected and plugged in I feel to the humanity all around me.3My health has been doing so well lately, that it\u2019s been a month since I had any hypo symptoms. But last week, I pushed myself too far, and BAM – I was feeling fatigued, depressed, and got a sore throat. It was humbling. But more than that, it reminded me HOW shitty and debilitating these lows can be. And instantly made me more sympathetic and connected to everyone else who\u2019s struggling with their own lows. Honestly, I think feeling these lows every once in a while is an important reminder and can make one more grateful (just like getting a cold makes you grateful for your non-sick days).<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nWhat a gift.<\/p>\n
And finally, being sick forces you to clarify the relationships in your life.<\/p>\n
Being sick strips you of your shiny facade. It forces you out of inauthenticity for the sheer fact that you don\u2019t have the energy to put up a front. To try and be anything else.<\/p>\n
Here, you find out who can meet you in this space. Who isn\u2019t scared away. Who can truly connect with you – all of you – not just when you\u2019re at your shiny \u201cbest\u201d. <\/p>\n
You quickly find out which connections feel draining. Which sap you of energy. Make you feel less-than.<\/p>\n
And which feel nurturing. Enlivening. Make you feel whole.<\/p>\n
When you have such little energy to spare, you\u2019ll have no choice but to cut out the former and gravitate towards the latter.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re forced to be intentional about who you spend time with, the same way you become intentional about what you put into your body.<\/p>\n
To see the connections in your life as more than just enjoyable or fun. But for what they really are: medicine. <\/p>\n
Happiness Isn\u2019t Internal OR External – It\u2019s Physiological.<\/h2>\n
I spent the first 20 years of my life believing that happiness was external. That it was in getting the girlfriend, the film career, the nomadic lifestyle. <\/p>\n
When that failed, I spent the next 5 years thinking happiness was internal. In having the right mindset. Thinking positive thoughts. Having the right belief systems.<\/p>\n
While this got me closer, it still didn\u2019t hit the mark. <\/p>\n
Then my hypothyroidism got so bad, I was pretty much bedridden for 6 months at my parents house. <\/p>\n
During that time, my life was exactly the same from day-to-day. I didn\u2019t hang out with people or leave the house. The variables never changed.<\/p>\n
And yet, it blew my mind how vastly my experience of the world would transform, depending on how my body felt that day.<\/p>\n
Same environment, same variables, absolutely nothing different – yet one day I\u2019d wake up feeling like the world was full of pain and misery, people who didn\u2019t give a shit, and like everything was conspiring against me.<\/p>\n
And the next day, I\u2019d wake up feeling like the world was full of hope and beauty, people who cared, and like everything was conspiring FOR me.<\/p>\n
It was a night and day difference. <\/p>\n
This blew my mind and put into stark contrast how strongly my physiological state affected my entirely outlook on the world.<\/p>\n
(And not just my perceptions of the world\u2026even my personality shifted with my health changes! When I had more or less energy, I\u2019d become more generous or selfish, more loving or judgmental, more easy-going or easily triggered.)<\/p>\n
Sure, external and internal factors obviously matter too. But in my experience, MUCH less than we\u2019ve been taught.[\/footnote]This experience has really made me wonder how many people’s debilitating life issues are actually due to unrealized health problems. I have a feeling that it’s much more than we think…[\/footnote]<\/p>\n
On days where my health is doing great, I could get my car towed and not bat an eye. But when my health is compromised, seeing a dirty dish would make me curl up into a ball and want to give up on life.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t matter how many thousands of hours I\u2019ve spent meditating. Or how fulfilling my career or social life is. If my health is out of whack, then everything else follows suit.<\/p>\n
Ever since then, anytime it feels like the world is caving in on me – instead of looking at external or internal factors, I immediately investigate my physiology.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s usually where the problem is.<\/p>\n
Once that gets corrected, it becomes THAT much easier to work on everything else.<\/p>\n
Learning to Surrender<\/h2>\n
Hearing about my struggles with fatigue and sleep, my friend remarked, \u201cWow, you\u2019re so resilient. How do you fight this every day, for years on end?\u201d<\/p>\n
The funny thing is, I\u2019m NOT resilient. Or a fighter. <\/p>\n
Trying to \u201cfight\u201d this thing would\u2019ve killed me years ago!<\/p>\n
Instead, I\u2019ve learned the wisdom in doing the opposite: learning to surrender. To go with the flow.<\/p>\n
Now \u201cgoing with the flow\u201d has gotten a bad rap in our culture. As if you\u2019re just throwing your hands up and letting the river of life sweep you wherever it wants to go.<\/p>\n
But I see it less like floating, and more like skillfully surfing. <\/p>\n
You may have lots of ideas about the direction you\u2019re supposed to go in and how fast you want to get there. But what if the waves are going in the opposite direction?<\/p>\n
Do you fight with all your might and try to push against it, sticking to your original plan?<\/p>\n
Or do you let go? Capitalize on this current moment, ride that wave, and see where it takes you instead?<\/p>\n
Being sick, the waves of my life often went in different directions than I\u2019d hoped for.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to stick to that workout routine, tackle those creative endeavors, or cultivate a bustling social life when you spend most days struggling to function as a person, much less get out of bed.<\/p>\n
The more I fought against that wave and tried to push through no matter what – the more I drowned. <\/p>\n
But something amazing happened when I finally learned to surrender.<\/p>\n
I finally let go of what I thought SHOULD happen. And began to embrace what WAS happening.<\/p>\n
Feeling too low to meet up with friends or tackle that creative project? <\/p>\n
No problem. That\u2019s 100% okay.<\/p>\n
That old opportunity is gone. No sense in beating myself up over it.<\/p>\n
So what new opportunity is now in it\u2019s place?<\/b><\/p>\n
Is it possible that there might be value in hunkering down, hibernating, and spending time with yourself for once? To stop running from one thing to the next, in an endless effort to distract yourself from feeling empty – and to simply slow down and just BE with what arises?<\/p>\n
Turns out there\u2019s a shit ton of opportunity there.<\/p>\n
And in surrendering to the opportunities life was bringing me, I\u2019ve come to appreciate my \u201clows\u201d and my \u201cdowntime\u201d in such a beautiful way. <\/p>\n
Instead of seeing my “hibernation mode” as lesser way of being, I now see it as completely equal to my “energized\/extroverted mode”. <\/p>\n
There are so many gifts to be mined there (as you can tell from this blog post). And I would\u2019ve missed them all if I spent my entire time \u201cfighting against\u201d rather than \u201csurrendering to\u201d.<\/p>\n
Forces You Off the Beaten Path (and Onto Your Own Path)<\/h2>\n
I\u2019ve spent most of my life assuming that the most widespread, mainstream ideas were the best ones. From trusting Western medicine for all things health related. Or accepting the Standard American Diet (SAD) as the way to nutrition. <\/p>\n
If most people are doing it, then it must be right\u2026right?<\/p>\n
But I totally ignored that most people in America aren\u2019t really doing so great. Until I started not doing so great either.<\/p>\n
One of the gifts of sickness (and suffering in general) is that it FORCES you to explore off the beaten path. <\/p>\n
It forces you to open up your mind. To challenge preconceived notions. To swallow your pride and explore things that, prior, you might\u2019ve seen as weird or fringe.<\/p>\n
Like using heat lamps<\/a> and sugar (yes, sugar!) to heal my thyroid. Or drinking mother\u2019s milk<\/a> from cows to heal my gut. Or realizing that my \u201csuper healthy\u201d green smoothies were actually killing me.<\/p>\nAny of these ideas, I would\u2019ve scoffed at a year ago.<\/p>\n
But the funny thing about being sick is that it forces you to drop the ego.<\/p>\n
To throw out everything that you thought you knew. To stop taking what everyone says for granted. <\/strong>And actually find out what works firsthand. By testing things out on yourself. On the laboratory that is your body\/mind.<\/p>\nWhen your life is on the line, you can\u2019t afford to be cute about your ideas.<\/p>\n
And all this has taught me something very important: there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for someone else won\u2019t always (or often) work for you. <\/p>\n
You have to find and develop what works for YOU and you alone.<\/p>\n
But carving out your own path is hard. And confusing. There\u2019s no clear trailheads to follow. No one to tell you if you\u2019re going the right way.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s no walk in the park. <\/p>\n
Which is why most of us don\u2019t do it until we\u2019re absolutely forced to. Forced to challenge our preconceived notions. Forced to open up our minds.<\/p>\n
Whether it\u2019s by illness or otherwise, being forced to walk YOUR authentic, unique path is a gift that keeps on giving – long after your health issues have been resolved.<\/p>\n
Embrace the Dark Side<\/h2>\n
I\u2019m convinced that there\u2019s two kinds of people in our culture. And you can tell by your answer to the question, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
There are those who flinch when you respond, \u201cNot so great.\u201d<\/p>\n
And there are those who become empathetic and curious.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, most of us are in the first category. And this is symptomatic of a greater problem in our culture. We\u2019re terrified of darkness. Of anything possibly \u201cuncomfortable\u201d or not \u201chappy happy joy joy\u201d all the time. <\/p>\n
This is a huge fucking problem. <\/p>\n
Fear of facing the uncomfortable is how you stay stuck in arrested development. In ignorance.<\/p>\n
Think: the racist uncle who finds it easier to project his anger onto others rather then facing it head on and discovering that it has nothing to do with \u201cthose people\u201d, and everything to do with himself.<\/p>\n
Or the corporate suit who\u2019s so scared of his existential dread, he spends every waking minutes of his life (unsuccessfully) scrambling to fill the void with money, mindless consumption, and work, work, work.<\/p>\n
You get the picture.<\/p>\n
This matters because SHITTY people aren\u2019t actually being shitty on purpose. They just have some growing up to do.<\/p>\n
And until then, they\u2019ll continue making life shittier for themselves and everyone else around them.<\/p>\n
So developing a capacity to face the uncomfortable is in EVERYONE’S best interest. And is crucial to the process of growth and healing. <\/p>\n
You can\u2019t change what you\u2019re not aware of. <\/p>\n
When we\u2019re afraid of uncomfortable feelings, we don\u2019t get curious about them. We don\u2019t investigate them. We don\u2019t dive deeper and figure out what\u2019s CAUSING them.<\/p>\n
We keep running and projecting and blaming.<\/p>\n
We stay stuck.<\/p>\n
The way to freedom is to turn around and face what we\u2019re running from. Head on.<\/p>\n
We can only heal and integrate what we\u2019re willing to face and embrace. This is true both for ourselves individually, and us as a culture. <\/p>\n
But the reason we suck at this so much is because it\u2019s SO much easier to keep running. Projecting. Blaming.<\/p>\n
That is, unless you\u2019re forced into a situation you can\u2019t run from.<\/p>\n
This is why rock bottom – whether it\u2019s from a breakup, addiction, or health issue – can often lead to the greatest opportunities for self-growth. <\/p>\n
These huge lows often serve as a crash course in learning to embrace darkness. Difficulty. Struggle.<\/p>\n
At least, I found that to be true with my chronic health issues.<\/p>\n
When you spend day after day in the throes of pain, darkness stops scaring you so much. <\/p>\n
And when something stops scaring you, you can finally face it. Embrace it. And transform it.<\/p>\n
But embracing darkness isn\u2019t just great for causing positive change. It\u2019s also the key to tasting life as RICHLY and DEEPLY as possible!<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen you start to see the beauty and the gift in the darkness, that\u2019s the moment you stop running from half of life and start to embrace ALL of life. <\/p>\n
The light and the dark. The yin and the yang. <\/p>\n
You can\u2019t have one without the other, my friend.<\/p>\n
And when you go through life embracing one part but rejecting the other, make no mistake, you\u2019re rejecting LIFE itself. <\/p>\n
But paradoxically, when you make more room for the darkness, you also make more room for the light. <\/p>\n
A rich life isn\u2019t one that\u2019s only happy and blissed out. It\u2019s one that includes ALL the textures and flavors of life: high, low, and in-between.<\/p>\n
Without the bitter, baby, the sweet just ain\u2019t as sweet. <\/p>\n
And if we want to grow up, it’s time to stop being afraid of the dark.<\/p>\n
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It<\/h2>\n
Most of us go through our lives completely ignoring our body. <\/p>\n
We push our body to its limits, without caring what it needs and wants. Treat it like a thankless workhorse, a tool to be used, a means to an end – and not like a precious being that needs to be nurtured and cared for.<\/p>\n
If we\u2019re really listening, our bodies are constantly crying out for our attention. Anytime we\u2019re doing something that\u2019s hurting it. Whenever we\u2019re pushing it into unhealthy situations and relationships.<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s all too easy for us to look the other way.<\/p>\n
That is, until we get sick.<\/p>\n
Then the cries get so loud, we can no longer ignore them.<\/p>\n
If you view the body as a mere tool, like a computer, then you might be really annoyed. Why isn\u2019t this crap working like it\u2019s supposed to? slaps the monitor<\/em> C\u2019mon!<\/p>\nBut what if you viewed it for the alive, sensitive, perceptive being it is?<\/p>\n
Just like a newborn baby, it\u2019s not screaming to be an asshole. To ruin your day. To make your life difficult.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s screaming for your attention.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a call for love.<\/b><\/p>\n
See, this whole being sick thing? It\u2019s really just a massive opportunity for self-love.<\/p>\n
Forcing yourself to care for your whole being: mind, body, AND spirit. <\/p>\n
Not just one or two of those. Not just what\u2019s easy or when it\u2019s convenient.<\/p>\n
Relentless and all-encompassing self-care. This is what real self-love looks like.<\/p>\n
Being sick is your body DEMANDING you start taking care of yourself.<\/p>\n
To slow down and listen. To explore what\u2019s causing it to suffer. To shift away from toxic habits, patterns, and relationships and towards healthy ones.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a call to start loving yourself like your life depends on it.<\/p>\n
Because, guess what? It does.<\/p>\n
Your body isn\u2019t punishing you. Your body is crying for you.<\/p>\n
And there will be no greater opportunity to learn how to love yourself than when your own life depends on it.4This line was inspired by Andrea Gibson\u2019s poem, An Insider\u2019s Guide on How to Be Sick<\/a>, about her struggle with Lyme disease. The poem is beautiful and I suggest you check it out immediately.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n. . .<\/font><\/center><\/p>\n
Creativity doesn\u2019t just love constraints;
it thrives under them.
\n\t– David Burkus <\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As a creative, the scariest thing to me is a blank canvas. <\/p>\n
If someone just told me to \u201ccreate\u201d without any further instructions\u2026I wouldn\u2019t know what to do. Where to begin.<\/p>\n
But as soon as you give me constraints – \u201ddefine beauty using only the items in your trash can\u201d<\/em> – then my creative mind is suddenly off and running!<\/p>\n Life works similarly.<\/p>\n Constraints in life – such as a debilitating illness or health issue – actually open you up to MORE possibilities. Not less.<\/p>\n They force you to explore the path less travelled. To fully dive into experiences you never would\u2019ve chosen for yourself. To find out who you are when pushed outside your neat little box.<\/p>\n Yes, your shitty health issue isn\u2019t allowing you to live like \u201ceveryone else\u201d.<\/p>\n But that\u2019s a gift, not a curse.<\/p>\n So treat your life like art (because it is).<\/p>\n Embrace constraint. And let it open you up to a whole new world of possibility.<\/p>\n A funny thing happens when you spend day after day feeling like shit (and night after night unable to sleep).<\/p>\n It becomes a master class on suffering.2Can you imagine the Masterclass ad<\/a>for that course?? “I’m Jaemin Yi. And this…is my Masterclass.” Bahaha<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n You get to spend countless hours in concentrated shittiness. And like anything you spend a lot of time with, you become quite attuned to it. I\u2019ve basically put in my 10,000 hours<\/a> into getting to know my bodily suffering.<\/p>\n And in that time, I discovered something fascinating: 95% of the suffering existed only in the STORIES I told myself.<\/p>\n Hell begins and ends in the mind. In the stories I\u2019m telling myself about the past (how I\u2019ve been sick for soooo long and how I\u2019ve missed out on soooo many awesome things<\/em>). Or the thoughts I\u2019m spinning about the future (how I\u2019ll never figure this out and how the rest of my life is gonna suck as a result<\/em>).<\/p>\n But when I\u2019m able to drop the stories\u2026there\u2019s a profound relief.<\/p>\n This two ton weight of imagined struggle and hopelessness lifts off, and in it\u2019s place is just the simplicity of this moment. <\/p>\n Breathing. Sunlight. The clacking of the keyboard. Feelings of lethargy.<\/p>\n Without the stories, there\u2019s just THIS moment to moment experience – what\u2019s ACTUALLY happening in reality.<\/p>\n Without the stories, there\u2019s no years of struggle or endless FOMO.<\/p>\n Without the stories\u2026there\u2019s no problem.<\/p>\n And I found that this doesn\u2019t just apply when I\u2019m sick. This holds true for ALL of life.<\/p>\n Anytime you\u2019re suffering. Anytime you\u2019re in deep pain. Check yourself and see where you are.<\/p>\n Are you here, in reality? Or are you off in mind stories and thought land?<\/p>\n Learning the distinction between the two – and constantly spending more and more time in the former – has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.<\/p>\n When I\u2019m feeling like shit and unable to hang out or stay up late dancing, it\u2019s easy to make-up stories about how my health issues are keeping me from connecting with others.<\/p>\n But the truth is, it\u2019s actually helped me connect with MORE people. And more directly and authentically.<\/p>\n First off, the more I\u2019ve opened up about my health issues, the more others have opened up to me about their own. And man, there\u2019s SO many of us out there!<\/p>\n Nearly EVERYONE I know is going through something heavy. But you wouldn\u2019t know because we\u2019re all hiding it. Thinking we\u2019re the only ones struggling.<\/p>\n Nope. Not true. At all.<\/p>\n Secondly, because of the hell I\u2019ve gone through, I can truly empathize when someone tells me about the hell they\u2019re going through. <\/p>\n I don\u2019t just nod my head and feel sorry for them, as I might\u2019ve in the past. Nowadays, I feel deep within me what that actually feels like – because I\u2019ve touched a version of that pain myself.<\/p>\n And that\u2019s allowed me to connect with people in a deeper, more visceral way.<\/p>\n Not connecting through the concepts in my head. Not by thinking about their experience. But by DIRECTLY plugging in and feeling it myself.<\/p>\n Interestingly, the more pain I\u2019ve experienced, the more deeply connected and plugged in I feel to the humanity all around me.3My health has been doing so well lately, that it\u2019s been a month since I had any hypo symptoms. But last week, I pushed myself too far, and BAM – I was feeling fatigued, depressed, and got a sore throat. It was humbling. But more than that, it reminded me HOW shitty and debilitating these lows can be. And instantly made me more sympathetic and connected to everyone else who\u2019s struggling with their own lows. Honestly, I think feeling these lows every once in a while is an important reminder and can make one more grateful (just like getting a cold makes you grateful for your non-sick days).<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n What a gift.<\/p>\n And finally, being sick forces you to clarify the relationships in your life.<\/p>\n Being sick strips you of your shiny facade. It forces you out of inauthenticity for the sheer fact that you don\u2019t have the energy to put up a front. To try and be anything else.<\/p>\n Here, you find out who can meet you in this space. Who isn\u2019t scared away. Who can truly connect with you – all of you – not just when you\u2019re at your shiny \u201cbest\u201d. <\/p>\n You quickly find out which connections feel draining. Which sap you of energy. Make you feel less-than.<\/p>\n And which feel nurturing. Enlivening. Make you feel whole.<\/p>\n When you have such little energy to spare, you\u2019ll have no choice but to cut out the former and gravitate towards the latter.<\/p>\n You\u2019re forced to be intentional about who you spend time with, the same way you become intentional about what you put into your body.<\/p>\n To see the connections in your life as more than just enjoyable or fun. But for what they really are: medicine. <\/p>\n I spent the first 20 years of my life believing that happiness was external. That it was in getting the girlfriend, the film career, the nomadic lifestyle. <\/p>\n When that failed, I spent the next 5 years thinking happiness was internal. In having the right mindset. Thinking positive thoughts. Having the right belief systems.<\/p>\n While this got me closer, it still didn\u2019t hit the mark. <\/p>\n Then my hypothyroidism got so bad, I was pretty much bedridden for 6 months at my parents house. <\/p>\n During that time, my life was exactly the same from day-to-day. I didn\u2019t hang out with people or leave the house. The variables never changed.<\/p>\n And yet, it blew my mind how vastly my experience of the world would transform, depending on how my body felt that day.<\/p>\n Same environment, same variables, absolutely nothing different – yet one day I\u2019d wake up feeling like the world was full of pain and misery, people who didn\u2019t give a shit, and like everything was conspiring against me.<\/p>\n And the next day, I\u2019d wake up feeling like the world was full of hope and beauty, people who cared, and like everything was conspiring FOR me.<\/p>\n It was a night and day difference. <\/p>\n This blew my mind and put into stark contrast how strongly my physiological state affected my entirely outlook on the world.<\/p>\n (And not just my perceptions of the world\u2026even my personality shifted with my health changes! When I had more or less energy, I\u2019d become more generous or selfish, more loving or judgmental, more easy-going or easily triggered.)<\/p>\n Sure, external and internal factors obviously matter too. But in my experience, MUCH less than we\u2019ve been taught.[\/footnote]This experience has really made me wonder how many people’s debilitating life issues are actually due to unrealized health problems. I have a feeling that it’s much more than we think…[\/footnote]<\/p>\n On days where my health is doing great, I could get my car towed and not bat an eye. But when my health is compromised, seeing a dirty dish would make me curl up into a ball and want to give up on life.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t matter how many thousands of hours I\u2019ve spent meditating. Or how fulfilling my career or social life is. If my health is out of whack, then everything else follows suit.<\/p>\n Ever since then, anytime it feels like the world is caving in on me – instead of looking at external or internal factors, I immediately investigate my physiology.<\/p>\n And that\u2019s usually where the problem is.<\/p>\n Once that gets corrected, it becomes THAT much easier to work on everything else.<\/p>\n Hearing about my struggles with fatigue and sleep, my friend remarked, \u201cWow, you\u2019re so resilient. How do you fight this every day, for years on end?\u201d<\/p>\n The funny thing is, I\u2019m NOT resilient. Or a fighter. <\/p>\n Trying to \u201cfight\u201d this thing would\u2019ve killed me years ago!<\/p>\n Instead, I\u2019ve learned the wisdom in doing the opposite: learning to surrender. To go with the flow.<\/p>\n Now \u201cgoing with the flow\u201d has gotten a bad rap in our culture. As if you\u2019re just throwing your hands up and letting the river of life sweep you wherever it wants to go.<\/p>\n But I see it less like floating, and more like skillfully surfing. <\/p>\n You may have lots of ideas about the direction you\u2019re supposed to go in and how fast you want to get there. But what if the waves are going in the opposite direction?<\/p>\n Do you fight with all your might and try to push against it, sticking to your original plan?<\/p>\n Or do you let go? Capitalize on this current moment, ride that wave, and see where it takes you instead?<\/p>\n Being sick, the waves of my life often went in different directions than I\u2019d hoped for.<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to stick to that workout routine, tackle those creative endeavors, or cultivate a bustling social life when you spend most days struggling to function as a person, much less get out of bed.<\/p>\n The more I fought against that wave and tried to push through no matter what – the more I drowned. <\/p>\n But something amazing happened when I finally learned to surrender.<\/p>\n I finally let go of what I thought SHOULD happen. And began to embrace what WAS happening.<\/p>\n Feeling too low to meet up with friends or tackle that creative project? <\/p>\n No problem. That\u2019s 100% okay.<\/p>\n That old opportunity is gone. No sense in beating myself up over it.<\/p>\n So what new opportunity is now in it\u2019s place?<\/b><\/p>\n Is it possible that there might be value in hunkering down, hibernating, and spending time with yourself for once? To stop running from one thing to the next, in an endless effort to distract yourself from feeling empty – and to simply slow down and just BE with what arises?<\/p>\n Turns out there\u2019s a shit ton of opportunity there.<\/p>\n And in surrendering to the opportunities life was bringing me, I\u2019ve come to appreciate my \u201clows\u201d and my \u201cdowntime\u201d in such a beautiful way. <\/p>\n Instead of seeing my “hibernation mode” as lesser way of being, I now see it as completely equal to my “energized\/extroverted mode”. <\/p>\n There are so many gifts to be mined there (as you can tell from this blog post). And I would\u2019ve missed them all if I spent my entire time \u201cfighting against\u201d rather than \u201csurrendering to\u201d.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve spent most of my life assuming that the most widespread, mainstream ideas were the best ones. From trusting Western medicine for all things health related. Or accepting the Standard American Diet (SAD) as the way to nutrition. <\/p>\n If most people are doing it, then it must be right\u2026right?<\/p>\n But I totally ignored that most people in America aren\u2019t really doing so great. Until I started not doing so great either.<\/p>\n One of the gifts of sickness (and suffering in general) is that it FORCES you to explore off the beaten path. <\/p>\n It forces you to open up your mind. To challenge preconceived notions. To swallow your pride and explore things that, prior, you might\u2019ve seen as weird or fringe.<\/p>\n Like using heat lamps<\/a> and sugar (yes, sugar!) to heal my thyroid. Or drinking mother\u2019s milk<\/a> from cows to heal my gut. Or realizing that my \u201csuper healthy\u201d green smoothies were actually killing me.<\/p>\n Any of these ideas, I would\u2019ve scoffed at a year ago.<\/p>\n But the funny thing about being sick is that it forces you to drop the ego.<\/p>\n To throw out everything that you thought you knew. To stop taking what everyone says for granted. <\/strong>And actually find out what works firsthand. By testing things out on yourself. On the laboratory that is your body\/mind.<\/p>\n When your life is on the line, you can\u2019t afford to be cute about your ideas.<\/p>\n And all this has taught me something very important: there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What works for someone else won\u2019t always (or often) work for you. <\/p>\n You have to find and develop what works for YOU and you alone.<\/p>\n But carving out your own path is hard. And confusing. There\u2019s no clear trailheads to follow. No one to tell you if you\u2019re going the right way.<\/p>\n It\u2019s no walk in the park. <\/p>\n Which is why most of us don\u2019t do it until we\u2019re absolutely forced to. Forced to challenge our preconceived notions. Forced to open up our minds.<\/p>\n Whether it\u2019s by illness or otherwise, being forced to walk YOUR authentic, unique path is a gift that keeps on giving – long after your health issues have been resolved.<\/p>\n I\u2019m convinced that there\u2019s two kinds of people in our culture. And you can tell by your answer to the question, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n There are those who flinch when you respond, \u201cNot so great.\u201d<\/p>\n And there are those who become empathetic and curious.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, most of us are in the first category. And this is symptomatic of a greater problem in our culture. We\u2019re terrified of darkness. Of anything possibly \u201cuncomfortable\u201d or not \u201chappy happy joy joy\u201d all the time. <\/p>\n This is a huge fucking problem. <\/p>\n Fear of facing the uncomfortable is how you stay stuck in arrested development. In ignorance.<\/p>\n Think: the racist uncle who finds it easier to project his anger onto others rather then facing it head on and discovering that it has nothing to do with \u201cthose people\u201d, and everything to do with himself.<\/p>\n Or the corporate suit who\u2019s so scared of his existential dread, he spends every waking minutes of his life (unsuccessfully) scrambling to fill the void with money, mindless consumption, and work, work, work.<\/p>\n You get the picture.<\/p>\n This matters because SHITTY people aren\u2019t actually being shitty on purpose. They just have some growing up to do.<\/p>\n And until then, they\u2019ll continue making life shittier for themselves and everyone else around them.<\/p>\n So developing a capacity to face the uncomfortable is in EVERYONE’S best interest. And is crucial to the process of growth and healing. <\/p>\n You can\u2019t change what you\u2019re not aware of. <\/p>\n When we\u2019re afraid of uncomfortable feelings, we don\u2019t get curious about them. We don\u2019t investigate them. We don\u2019t dive deeper and figure out what\u2019s CAUSING them.<\/p>\n We keep running and projecting and blaming.<\/p>\n We stay stuck.<\/p>\n The way to freedom is to turn around and face what we\u2019re running from. Head on.<\/p>\n We can only heal and integrate what we\u2019re willing to face and embrace. This is true both for ourselves individually, and us as a culture. <\/p>\n But the reason we suck at this so much is because it\u2019s SO much easier to keep running. Projecting. Blaming.<\/p>\n That is, unless you\u2019re forced into a situation you can\u2019t run from.<\/p>\n This is why rock bottom – whether it\u2019s from a breakup, addiction, or health issue – can often lead to the greatest opportunities for self-growth. <\/p>\n These huge lows often serve as a crash course in learning to embrace darkness. Difficulty. Struggle.<\/p>\n At least, I found that to be true with my chronic health issues.<\/p>\n When you spend day after day in the throes of pain, darkness stops scaring you so much. <\/p>\n And when something stops scaring you, you can finally face it. Embrace it. And transform it.<\/p>\n But embracing darkness isn\u2019t just great for causing positive change. It\u2019s also the key to tasting life as RICHLY and DEEPLY as possible!<\/strong><\/p>\n When you start to see the beauty and the gift in the darkness, that\u2019s the moment you stop running from half of life and start to embrace ALL of life. <\/p>\n The light and the dark. The yin and the yang. <\/p>\n You can\u2019t have one without the other, my friend.<\/p>\n And when you go through life embracing one part but rejecting the other, make no mistake, you\u2019re rejecting LIFE itself. <\/p>\n But paradoxically, when you make more room for the darkness, you also make more room for the light. <\/p>\n A rich life isn\u2019t one that\u2019s only happy and blissed out. It\u2019s one that includes ALL the textures and flavors of life: high, low, and in-between.<\/p>\n Without the bitter, baby, the sweet just ain\u2019t as sweet. <\/p>\n And if we want to grow up, it’s time to stop being afraid of the dark.<\/p>\n Most of us go through our lives completely ignoring our body. <\/p>\n We push our body to its limits, without caring what it needs and wants. Treat it like a thankless workhorse, a tool to be used, a means to an end – and not like a precious being that needs to be nurtured and cared for.<\/p>\n If we\u2019re really listening, our bodies are constantly crying out for our attention. Anytime we\u2019re doing something that\u2019s hurting it. Whenever we\u2019re pushing it into unhealthy situations and relationships.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s all too easy for us to look the other way.<\/p>\n That is, until we get sick.<\/p>\n Then the cries get so loud, we can no longer ignore them.<\/p>\n If you view the body as a mere tool, like a computer, then you might be really annoyed. Why isn\u2019t this crap working like it\u2019s supposed to? slaps the monitor<\/em> C\u2019mon!<\/p>\n But what if you viewed it for the alive, sensitive, perceptive being it is?<\/p>\n Just like a newborn baby, it\u2019s not screaming to be an asshole. To ruin your day. To make your life difficult.<\/p>\n It\u2019s screaming for your attention.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a call for love.<\/b><\/p>\n See, this whole being sick thing? It\u2019s really just a massive opportunity for self-love.<\/p>\n Forcing yourself to care for your whole being: mind, body, AND spirit. <\/p>\n Not just one or two of those. Not just what\u2019s easy or when it\u2019s convenient.<\/p>\n Relentless and all-encompassing self-care. This is what real self-love looks like.<\/p>\n Being sick is your body DEMANDING you start taking care of yourself.<\/p>\n To slow down and listen. To explore what\u2019s causing it to suffer. To shift away from toxic habits, patterns, and relationships and towards healthy ones.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a call to start loving yourself like your life depends on it.<\/p>\n Because, guess what? It does.<\/p>\n Your body isn\u2019t punishing you. Your body is crying for you.<\/p>\n And there will be no greater opportunity to learn how to love yourself than when your own life depends on it.4This line was inspired by Andrea Gibson\u2019s poem, An Insider\u2019s Guide on How to Be Sick<\/a>, about her struggle with Lyme disease. The poem is beautiful and I suggest you check it out immediately.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nSuffering is in the Stories<\/h2>\n
Helped Me Connect More (and More Deeply)<\/h2>\n
<\/p>\nHappiness Isn\u2019t Internal OR External – It\u2019s Physiological.<\/h2>\n
Learning to Surrender<\/h2>\n
Forces You Off the Beaten Path (and Onto Your Own Path)<\/h2>\n
Embrace the Dark Side<\/h2>\n
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It<\/h2>\n