{"id":2455,"date":"2018-01-30T23:28:05","date_gmt":"2018-01-31T07:28:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaeminyi.com\/?p=2455"},"modified":"2018-03-29T12:57:49","modified_gmt":"2018-03-29T20:57:49","slug":"men-time-make-amends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jaeminyi.com\/men-time-make-amends\/","title":{"rendered":"Men, It’s Time to Make Amends"},"content":{"rendered":"
A few years ago, I took a men\u2019s weekend workshop. It was filled with all sorts of activities from shadow boxing to eye gazing to yelling at the top of our lungs.<\/p>\n
Some of it resonated with me, some of it didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
But there was one exercise that has stayed with me since.<\/p>\n
It was nearing the end of the weekend and they had all 20 of us take out a sheet of paper and start making a list of women in our lives.1Yes, this was a heteronormative workshop. But I believe this exercise would still be useful to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual preference.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n The women we wronged. The women we left things unresolved with. The women who were left with our messes.<\/p>\n We were told to think about these women and write the Top 3 onto a list.<\/p>\n Then came the bombshell: we were to call each of those women and make amends with them. Take ownership for where we went wrong. And try our best to make things right.<\/p>\n The room instantly erupted.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never seen so many men freak out at the same time. Some went into a panic. Others completely shut down. One guy started hyperventilating.<\/p>\n But over the next hour, with a lot of coaching and support (and pacing and stalling), each of the men reached out and called the women on their list.<\/p>\n It was incredible.<\/p>\n A lot of the calls went well, to the surprise of many. Some did not.<\/p>\n But all the men in the room learned a valuable lesson that day: to stop running from the situations and people from our past, take ownership for the messes we\u2019ve made, and to try our best to clean them up.<\/p>\n This is a practice (made popular by 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous) that everyone could benefit from.<\/p>\n But especially men.<\/p>\n Because of the way most of us men are wired\/conditioned, we tend to shut down when things get painful. We cut and run. Move on and not look back.<\/p>\n We do this with the women and relationships in our life. And it causes a lot of pain. And suffering.<\/p>\n But we also do this with our selves. <\/p>\n This is how we numb ourselves. How we teach ourselves to disconnect from our emotions. To bottle things up. To shut ourselves down.<\/p>\n By making amends with others, we\u2019re teaching ourselves to plug back in. <\/p>\n To connect, even if it\u2019s uncomfortable. To own our part, no matter how difficult. To be present, no matter how painful.<\/p>\n For a lot of men, this kind of emotional vulnerability can be 10 times scarier than any physical threat.<\/p>\n Which is why it’s in such short supply these days.<\/p>\n I like to think of myself as someone who\u2019s fairly decent at owning when I\u2019ve fucked up. I\u2019m not perfect. But it\u2019s something I\u2019m continuously working on.<\/p>\n Yet, just recently, it took me weeks to muster up the courage to call a woman I briefly dated. <\/p>\n Things had ended between us rather murkily – I slowly drifted off with less and less communication until the texts finally ground to a halt. <\/p>\n It was a shitty way to end a sweet connection.<\/p>\n Even though it wasn\u2019t the deepest of relationships or the most egregious of errors, I found myself pretty nervous as I finally gave her a call.<\/p>\n What would she say? What am I gonna say? Will she be pissed? Think I\u2019m stupid for even bringing it up?<\/p>\n Somehow I stumbled through it and the words I needed to say came out intact, more-or-less: that I was sorry for the way I handled things towards the end. That I wished I had communicated better. More directly. More honestly. With more thought and care.<\/p>\n And then I told her the things I wish I had said then: how much I appreciated our connection. How she entered my life at a vulnerable time and what it meant to me. How her passion and openness inspired me, and still continues to now.<\/p>\n It ended up being a great conversation. Awkward at times. Definitely uncomfortable. But in the end, she appreciated me reaching out.<\/p>\n And I\u2019m glad I did as well.<\/p>\n Not only did I get to take responsibility for a mess I made. But by making amends, we both had the opportunity to find some closure. To let go of a weight from the past. And move on.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, not all amends will go smoothly. <\/p>\n Some will be incredibly uncomfortable. Some will be met with anger or coldness. And that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t about getting a good reaction. This is about taking ownership of your messes.<\/p>\n There may be instances where it will feel too difficult or unsafe to reach out. That\u2019s okay. Be gentle with yourself. <\/p>\n But if you find that this person or scenario keeps entering your mind, playing on repeat endlessly – then it might be a sign that this needs to be attended to.<\/p>\n Not just for their sake. But also for your own.<\/p>\n There\u2019s no one way to go about doing amends.<\/p>\n